Friday, May 27, 2016

"Most unattractive event ever held. It's gonna be the worst"

Pone and I have been together for ten years.  About two years ago we got engaged on our anniversary.  It was an odd anniversary because I wasn't well.  I had recently had a physical reaction to stress, after the death of Pone's grandfather.  My doctor assumed I had shingles because I was breaking out in weird hives.  I was prescribed a medication that is used to treat herpes and shingles, and I had quite the reaction.  First, my right hand went numb and my heart started beating more rapidly.  This of course triggered a panic attack, and then the temporary blindness in my right eye started.  After that I lacked the ability to speak coherently for a bit, and my thoughts and words came out all jumbled.  The nurse at the doctor's office recommended I take Benedryl, to help with the side effects.  It helped, in that it kicked in and knocked me out.  After the incident, I began to feel a general malaise.  My Sedimentation Rate dropped and I was having daily migraines, brought on by exposure to this drug.

It was our anniversary and I should have known there would be some sort of problem.  Not to seem like the eternal pessimist, but February 11th usually rolls in with some sort of issue.  Like the time the plumbing in the kitchen backed up and we had to wash our dishes in the bathroom.

The morning we got engaged started off like any other.  We got up, had our tea and coffee and exchanged small gifts.  I gave Pone a copy of Jaws on blu-ray and he gave me a cute little taxidermied mouse, holding a heart.  I went to get my hair done and then we went out to dinner.  Because nothing ever goes as planned on our anniversary, the food was mediocre and we got seated next to the bathroom.  So every time the door opened we got a big whiff of toilet.

After dinner we came home and I got into my frumpy jammies, like I always do when I get home.  Pone told me he had one more, small gift for me and didn't know if I was going to like it.  He came out with a box and asked me "could you maybe?" while presenting me with a ring.  Incidentally, "Could you maybe," is usually something we say to one of the dogs when we're trying to convince her to eat.  As I said yes, I went to hug Pone, but before I could our other dog got in the way and stood in between us on the couch.

Pone called his family to let them know and I posted a picture of the ring on Facebook.  Pone's family was overjoyed, my family called immediately and they were overjoyed as well.  My friend in San Diego pointed out that we had put the ring on the wrong hand, because I'm not girly enough to know that shit, and how the fuck would Pone know?  I had to take another picture of the ring on the correct hand to post to everyone on Facebook.

Wrong hand!

After everything died down and people stopped calling and texting, Pone and I thought about some wedding ideas.   My first thought was that no matter what you do for your wedding, there will always be someone there to criticize your decision making and tell you what ideas you really should be implementing.  We discussed having a nice, fancy wedding, but we soon concluded that we weren't nice, fancy people.  I mean, at the time Pone had a Charlie Manson beard, and I'm the type of person that usually has on a shirt with the dog's asshole on it, while walking around with food on my face. So we started pitching ideas back and forth, and didn't really come up with anything good.  In fact, what we came up with and settled on, was a list of the worst ideas for a wedding.

Wedding Colors: brown, yellow, salmon, pea green
70's tuxes and awful dresses 
No one allowed in without the proper - awful dress code
White platform shoes for Pone
Pone's pants one leg too short 
Pone wears a shit brown suit
My dress is yellow, possibly with a stain on it and the dress is too big 
Serious photos no smiling, everyone with hands at their sides
Film cameras not digital, photos to have that reddish tint 
50's, 60's, 70's foods, jello molds and loafs deviled eggs, foods with faces
BYOC bring your own chair
Only bad songs from the 70s?
Or only music by Tiny Tim (wedding march to song about the melting ice caps)
Pone will grow his hair and do a combover and have huge chops that form a mustache
Or Pone will have just the chops and "toothbrush" mustache
T-shirts that say "I ate the food at Pone's wedding"
Invitation that are in the form of a scroll, coming out of a photo of the dog's asshole
Invitations to read "Most unattractive event ever held. It's gonna be the worst"
Cake with Freddie mercury done badly
Paper plates brown napkins
At the grossest venue possible vfw or legion, knights of columbus has place that looks like a castle
If at the castle, drunken tricycle jousting
Or tell everyone to wear medieval garb, and we show up in jeans
Pea green and paneled station wagon get away car
Russian rhinestone cowboy to do the ceremony, yells, speaks no English
Fire drill during wedding (sprinklers go off)
Another event also going on at the same venue, but a nicer reception
Twisted sister to play "I wanna rock" after the "I now pronounce you" bit
An 80's curly mullet for my hairstyle, also sporting a sideburn curl on my face
Ceremony to be held in Mianus CT, invitations that say "wedding in Mianus"
Carried in and dropped like at Jewish events, with the chair dance
Pone could have a Kermit the frog afro wig, like in Muppets Take Manhattan
Throw toupe instead of bouquet (whoever catches toupe goes bald next)
Poorly done erotic cake
Turd hat for bridesmaids
Bridesmaid dresses to long, or too tight
Horse shit outside the exit, for people wearing nice shoes
Pledge of allegiance before the entrance of the bride
BYOU bring your own utensils 
"Awful wedded wife" and heckling wedding vows 
Spider plant in macrame in way of the open bar

After two years we still haven't set a date for the wedding.  But I think we're off to a good start.  So far only four people actually want to attend this event, and everyone else has already voiced their opinion on what they think we should do.  I'd say it's coming along swimmingly.  What do you think?

No comments:

Post a Comment