Wednesday, June 29, 2016

If I look like an asshole in the bathroom...

Have you ever just looked at someone and immediately known their whole personality and demeanor just based on appearance?  I can't tell you how many times I've heckled someone for having their outward appearance completely mirror their inward appearance.  I admit that I joke around a lot and one of my favorite past times is heckling people.  Sometimes I don't even know I'm doing it or even mean to do it, it just happens.  A few years ago Pone and I went to a casino to see Don Rickles perform.  The best part of the night was when he heckled a guy in a white suit, that I had also heckled an hour earlier.  It was truly one of those things that I consider to be the greatest moments in my life.  Right up there with adopting the dogs and getting engaged to Pone.  Well, maybe the Rickles thing first.

Back in January, I contacted a friend of mine because Don Rickles; at the age of 90 was touring again.  Pone didn't want to go, as he's already seen him with me once. So my friend got tickets for the show, and two weeks ago I saw Rickles again.  It was a mixed crowd, with with tons of people that were absolute caricatures of themselves.  I was enjoying myself, posing my friend in front of people that I wanted to take pictures of. There was one woman who eluded me all night, she had on red leggings, a ridiculous floral print shirt, and the largest buzziest hair I've ever seen, complete with a big red ribbon.  At the end go the show Rickles did a Q and A with the audience.  This woman stood up and said that her lifelong dream was to be heckled by Don Rickles himself.  He took one look at her and told her to get rid of the "trick or treat Charlie," outfit she was wearing, and go back to the beauty salon and have them "do something decent with your hair."  By far the best part of the night! Not once, but twice now, I have heckled the same person as my all time hero.

The actual text with my friend about going to see Don Rickles (I'm the one in green)

This morning I was getting ready for work, at my new job as a dog trainer.  The people from corporate were coming so I had to put on the regulation outfit, instead of just wearing my normal clothes.  As I was finishing doing my hair, I caught a glimpse of what I looked like in the mirror and wanted heckle myself.  I looked down and realized for the first time in my life, that I totally looked the way I am.  The outside matched the inside; and I'm not going to lie, I kinda wanted to punch myself.  Standing there in that red shirt I heard my reflection say "Hi, my name is Lee.  I'm 35 years old.  I enjoy going to the gym and working out.  I have two dogs that I like to walk for at least a mile everyday. I don't think movies with Will Ferrell are funny. I drive a station wagon.  I'm bisexual.  I've also been known to wear clogs and I own a down a vest."

The realization was startling. Like when you pull out your phone to take a picture and you accidentally hit the reverse button.  So you only see yourself without makeup and a double chin. It was like staring into the void, and instead of getting a beautiful truth from the universe, I got back something ugly and unsettling.

"If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?'  If I look like an asshole, in the bathroom, by myself, does that mean that I'm not allowed to heckle it? But if I do not heckle myself, who will heckle me?  If I only heckle myself, who am I? If not now, when?

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