I'm at a point in my life where I'm domesticated and pretty settled into the routines of adulting. On Friday night I was thinking that it was kind of rude to show up to a M&G without bringing anything. Kind of like going to a dinner party without a bottle of wine, or a pie. So I looked around the kitchen and remembered I had all the fixin's for S'mores cookies. Not thinking twice about it, I started making them. Pone came up from the studio and asked what I was doing, so I told him that I was baking cookies. He was all excited about the cookies, until I told him that they were for the meet and greet.
Pone also has social anxiety disorder and was all sorts of anxious about meeting the band. When he found out that I was bringing cookies to a metal show he got all upset and asked me to please not be awkward when meeting people he admires. I told him that he should do what I did the first time I met Sharon Needles, and get really drunk. It helped me not be so nervous. Hell, I even blurted out something random, hilarious and awkward, but I didn't even care. However, Pone doesn't drink, so that was out of the question. But he begged me not to be loud, or sudden, or awkward. I said that I couldn't promise him anything, but I'd try.
The day of the show I wore my shirt with the silhouette of a dog taking a shit. I didn't bring cookies. We made it to the venue and got in line for the meet and greet. Once we were inside the building I had this terrible tickle in my nose. I was really hoping that I didn't sneeze on the band during the M&G, the way our dog Pickle always seems to sneeze in the vet's face during appointments. As we waited in line, I started to check my messages and dick around on my phone. I was talking to someone on Facebook about hotels in NYC for the Sharon Needles show next month, when somebody said "excuse me." Not looking up from my phone I just said "oh sorry," and continued typing. Pone nudged me and told me that I had just gotten in the way of the band, which I completely missed as they walked by me, going up the stairs. Pone shook his head at me and asked me to put the phone away. I just stood there and laughed. It was a loud, sudden and awkward laugh that echoed through the hallway and up the stairs.
I thought about the time that we were walking to a horror convention and I was texting. Some guy on the phone was flailing his arms and when he took a step back he smacked me in the head. We both apologized without making eye contact. Another instance where Pone asked me to put the phone away. He also pointed out that because I was engrossed in my phone and not paying attention I had literally just run into Danny Trejo.
Part of the M&G package was a tour poster, a banner and a VIP pass that we were each given before being sent into a room with the band. Through a door at the top of the stairs was DTP, no long drawn out conversations and no selfies, because of the time constraints. You were allowed shake hands and present them with something to sign. The words I spoke echoed in my head as I went down the line, "hey howya doin? hey how's it goin?" I'm just another person in line. Just somebody in a t-shirt, with a silhouette of a dog taking a shit. Nothing to see here. I'm not being embarrassing or awkward. I didn't bring cookies and I didn't sneeze in anyone's face. Devin Townsend said hi to Pone first, and they conversed for a moment. Then it was my turn, I tried to keep my head down and just say thank you for the autograph and move along. However, I didn't expect him to say anything back. So when he shook my hand and said "enjoy the show!" I blurted out "THANKS, YOU TOO!"
|Cropped version of the M&G photo|
~Lee Orpheum, bringing you awkwardness since 1981~