Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Reading is fundamental

Recently someone told me that my life sounds like a John Waters movie gone bad.  I took it as a compliment because of course, it's completely true.  What made the statement more amusing was that it was said by a drag queen.

I inadvertently came out to someone as Bi today. Well, I guess I was never really "in," to begin with, but it's not usually something I talk about.  Usually, the only things I talk about are stupid, useless and random.  Like telling people about the time I met Method Man while holding a sign that said "I even shaved my cooch for this." But let me get back to the point, which was I came out as bi today and it all came about because I can't read.  Which is a nice reminder of why reading is fundamental.

Let me start over.  I've always been bisexual, as far back as I can remember.  I really hate that word for some reason, The term bisexual reminds me of this joke I saw in one of my father's copies of Playboy magazine, when I was too young to be looking at those magazines.  The punchline was "a bisexual built for two."  I don't remember the actual joke, just the dumb punchline.  I prefer to tell people that I'm ambidextrous or tell them I'm an independent voter or something.  Those terms seem more appropriate, plus it always makes me laugh on election day when someone tells me that I'm registered as an Independent.  I've always been attracted to people and it never really had to do with a specific gender.   However, recently someone said I was actually "pansexual," and up until that day I didn't think that there could be a term that I hated more "steampunk;" but lo and behold, there was.

Anyways, I've always known I like people and it was apparent at a young age.  I remember not being able to decide who I liked more Luke or Leia, and I was probably about 4 or 5.  After having crushes and a few relationships in my teenage years, I finally decided to inform my family at some point around the age of 18 or 19.  At the time I was very interested in someone who happened to be female, and as luck would have it she was interested in me too.  I had talked to my mentor/college drama teacher, who said it was important that if I wanted to be open, to get this out of the way with my family.  I remember going into the kitchen at my parent's house where my mother, father and brother were.  I recall announcing that I was bi to the 3 of them and wasn't exactly sure how my news would be received.  My mother was the first to speak, she said "OK. I'm getting your brother a bedtime snack, is there anything I can get you?" My brother got up from his seat at the kitchen island, still keeping his focus on the kitchen television behind me.  He spoke over his shoulder, while carrying his ice cream and his cocoa into the dinning room.  I can still hear him saying "oh my god, shut up!  I can't hear the TV."  My father was the last to speak, as he was hunting around for the cigarettes that he was pretending that he had quit smoking.  He glanced over at me while rummaging through piles of stuff on the table and said "No, you're just playful.  Can a bum a cigarette off of you?  I think I left mine in the van."

It wasn't a tragic coming out story, but it wasn't one filled with love and understanding either.  Just eye rolling, avoidance and apathy.  It's a apt example of what my relationship with my family looks like though.  I guess it's probably the reason why I don't really approach the subject of my sexuality.  It's not really that I don't think that it's anyones business, which is why I don't talk about it.  It's just that I was given the feeling that it's more of a "nobody cares," issue.

For the past 10 or so years, I've kept a low profile.  Not just on these subject matters but really about everything. I've been cautious with the people I talk to and don't really let them see anything but the humor.  Most of this blog is dedicated to the funny, fucked up, randomness that goes on in my life. I only season gently with seriousness when it's absolutely necessary.  People from the past know about my history, but most of those people are just a part of the past.  My New Year's resolution was to be more honest, more open about things in my life.  Today, I casually opened up about something, and it was like an unearthing of this version of myself. Of course because this is my life it came about in an "only you," sort of way.  It wasn't like I just had this bout of courage to unleash this little known fact about myself.  It was actually because I'm a total moron and misread a text message.  Which is probably the reason behind why texting and driving are prohibited in most states.  And why reading is fundamental. But my honesty today was kinda nice. I guess I can even surprise myself from time to time. I'm comfortable telling people that this is who the am.  I am Bisexual.  I can't read.  I like Star Wars. I text and drive.  I hold up signs in Times Square about my cooch and it allows me the opportunity to meet people like Method Man.

Thank you for reading and sorry if it was more honest and less funny than it normal.  There's a line by the performance artist Holly Hughes in the monologue called World Without End, that I always think of when it comes to my sexuality.  It's a scene set in a dinner about her mother asking about her sexuality over a fried shrimp basket.  Her mother asks "do you like boys or girls or both." She replies by saying "both." At which point the waitress appears with cocktail sauce in one hand and tartar sauce in the other and says "oh, I'm so sorry!  I should have guessed!  I should have asked! You can have both, honey.  Help yourself!"

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